Tears streamed down my face as Kevin rolled me on a gurney from my hospital room to the first floor for an echo heart scan. I’d been talking with the hospital chaplain in my room when they came to get me. “What is an echo heart scan?” I asked myself. Does this mean I have heart problems on top of my lung problems? And why didn’t the doctor tell me they were going to do this? I have to stop crying. I can’t go in there crying my eyes out. S/he won’t be able to do the test if I’m sobbing like this. ”
I just couldn’t stop the river of tears that seemed to well up from so far deep inside me the light was gone. We got to the area and Kevin left to go transport someone else someplace else. “I want my daughter here holding my hand,” I said to myself. “I want to hug my grandson. I want to stop crying.”
Nobody else was in the corridor. But God was there. Waiting for me. He didn’t have to wait long.
“God,” I prayed. “I’m terrified. I don’t know why I’ve been sick so long; I don’t know when I’m ever going to get better again, and I don’t even know IF I’m going to get well again and be able to lead a normal life. This is the third time I’ve been here in as many months,” I screamed silently.
“Lord,” I said, “I want to do the work you told me to do. But the way I am now, I can do nothing. And I HAVE to stop crying, Lord, you know I do.
Please, God, give me your peace and help me stop crying now. ”
And, He did. And I was at peace.
And they only found a little bit of pulmonary hypertension on the echo scan. So small they don’t have to treat it.
In that dark and scared place we all sometimes go, there won’t be anyone there to hold our hands, rub a cool cloth across our brows or bring us warm, chocolate chip cookies.
But there is ONE who will never desert us, who will never hurt us, who will always listen to our cares, our deepest secrets and most beautiful joys.
I feel like I could write a book about the last five days. In some ways it was like being in the darkest valley for five days. However, there were also so many blessings.
This is the third time in three months I’ve been in the hospital. Every stay had lessons of its own. There will be more writing about it in the coming days. But meanwhile, I wanted to let you know that I am feeling better, and it’s good to be home again.